Look for Raine: 2021

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I adore this picture. That's my Lolo carrying me and my Kuya, and my Lola looking at us.

Second loss this year. What a bummer. And this time, it hit harder, down to the core.

My Lolo died, or as how I called him growing up, Daddy died, in the most unexpected, excruciating way. He suffered a stroke and it took 3 hours before a hospital finally admitted him. Welcome to the Philippines, where patients have to wait for hours even to be admitted to an emergency room, where health care is suffocated due to the pandemic, but people doesn't really care and knows not a thing about social responsibility.

I don't have the fondest memories of Lolo growing up. But I remember whenever we stay at his house during the summer or Christmas vacation, in the mornings, we will be awakened by his full blast music of old songs from the radio. Most of the time, those of Elvis Presley's. I remember being scared of him, even the littlest thing of asking him to change the TV channel at night because I want to watch something else and he was watching the news. He was such a tiger Lolo. But he makes the best homemade chicharon, ahhhh.

He used to be an alcoholic, drinking cheap gin all day like it's water. There was this one night, me and my Kuya were vacationing at his house, he went home very drunk. We were already sleeping and were awakened by his shoutings. You can imagine being in a small, crunched apartment with just one room, you can hear everything. He spewed hurtful words towards us, and I was just probably crying. One of my uncles couldn't take it anymore, and took us both (me and my Kuya) to another uncle's house in the middle of the night.

But as I grew old and my Lolo grew older, he stopped his vices and all I can remember is his warm, welcoming smile every time I visit him with the kids. He would tell us kuwentos about when I was small or when he was still working overseas. He kind of resembles that grandpa from Up (lol).

Losing someone and not being able to be with the family physically makes the grief a hundred times more difficult. Going back to the Philippines will never, ever be the same.

My only condolence now is that my Lolo is with my Lola. Daddy finally being reunited with Mommy, now he can make lambing to her in heaven. They're together watching over us.

Rest in paradise Daddy, hug Mommy for me. I will keep on listening to Elvis Presley for you.

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I took this photo while I was on my way home from work last 22 January 2021. It feels suiting to how I am currently feeling. LOL

It's 21:41 on a Friday night. I'm sitting alone on my balcony, sipping an iced cold beer. This day started just like any other day. My insomnia is back, long and sleepless nights. Oh, how I have not missed you. Taking melatonin pills is no longer working, I'm afraid my body has gotten used to it. Now, I no longer know how I can force myself to sleep now, hence the beer.

I have a million thoughts, but I don't know how to go about it. I have been living alone in the flat for almost a month now (as of writing, Max is still in France and his flight is scheduled for tommorrow). I did have some friends who came over for the past weekends, but most of the time, it was just me and my thoughts. It's as if it's not the case with everyone. We are almost always alone with our thoughts, we tell lies to ourselves much more than we tell lies to anyone. You're welcome to take that on a positive, encouraging note or a negative, discomforting note. Last weekend, my friend asked if I'm okay staying here alone. And I said, oo naman. I was not lying when I said that. I was okay living alone, but I was not okay. Do you know what I mean? But I am thriving, I know am. Wake up 10 minutes before work, start to work (or pretend to work), eat lunch, take a nap, work again, go to class or exercise or waste my time on countless youtube videos. We are creatures of habits, aren't we? We are good and sophisticated animals. And when those habits fail us, we start to question ourselves. Or for some, we just start a new habit.

Have you ever thought how each one of us is made of million tiny moments —from shallow, ordinary moments to life-changing moments? I don't know what I am saying and where I am going with this.

You made it reading this far. And I'm not sorry for wasting some minutes of your time.

Anyway, cheers. May you find your habit to success. Or to failure. And then find another again.

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what is grief, if not love persevering

I don't know how to construct my thoughts today. (As if it's not the same case everyday).

My great-grandmother died this week (26-July). She was supposed to be 96 years old yesterday, 30-July, an almost centenarian. And today, we laid her to rest. By 'we', I meant with us via video call. I was sad, and had to take a half day at work. Her dying, leaving us, is already a foreseen event. As it is with everything, death is inevitable. I cried, still. I was sad, for my family who were all abroad that cannot go home because of this pandemic. I was sad for her children who were not able to see her for the last time.

When I was a kid, I remember being scared of her because she was the grumpy grandma who shouts at us, the noisy kids horsing around the compound. I remember wanting to pick mangoes from the backyard, but always had to ask for her permission because it's her property. But then, I also remember going to her after Sunday mass and asking for her blessing.

When she started deteriorating through the years, it has become a mini competition between us, the great grandchildren, who she can still remember. When I first came home from Singapore, it was December 2015, I went to her house to visit her and she asked me if I already have a boyfriend. She used the word "nobyo", an uncommon tagalog word for boyfriend. I said no, and what she said next made me laugh. She thought I went home because I'm going to get married. She was 90 years old that time, still lucid and smart amongst all of us. The last few following years, she can no longer remember me. But still, every holidays, we will go to her house to take our yearly family photo.

My cousin back home said they did not cry when she passed. My mom, my aunts, my Lola, they were all there for her. She has lived a long, and fruitful life. I'm amazed how she was able to raise her 10 children well. The outpouring visitors and flowers during her wake is a proof how she has lived her life well.

I guess, going back to the Philippines will never be the same again. The big house will now be empty. And my mom will no longer remind me to, "Nabisita mo na ga ang Nanay?", "Magpaalam ka muna sa Nanay bago ka umalis."

Rest in Paradise Nanay. Paalam.

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Just some of my lame bouldering photos, wearing my favorite bouldering top 😃

Since I am trying to commit to this blog again, let me tell you about something that have been such a revelation to me last year.

Bouldering.

So what is bouldering? Bouldering is a form of rock climbing without the use of ropes or harness. The walls are not high enough to be very intimidating, provided with the safety mat of course.

I initially tried bouldering last December 2019 just out of curiosity. I did not know that such kind of sport existed, I only knew about wall climbing. And I loved it! It was like a puzzle presented to you in a wall, a physical problem solving that requires not only strength but thinking.

Growing up, I was never sporty. I did not have any kind of sports. (Whenever someone asks me, what kind of sports I play, I sometimes jokingly answer "jackstone". Lol) Who would have thought that a lampayatot like me would be into climbing. I even encouraged some of my friends to try climbing.

Truly, I have a LOOOOOT more to learn and improve, especially those dynamic moves and techniques that I'm so scared to try. But here are a few key points that I have learnt these past few months

1. Learn how to fall. Or jump off the wall instead.

Yes, even in bouldering, we need to learn how to fall. Para 'di tayo laging masaktan. 😶

First order of business: safety. If one is climbing, there is always a risk of falling. This was my first lesson when I first tried bouldering. Indoor gyms have of course safety landing mats, but knowing how to fall or jump properly off the wall is a must to avoid any injuries. Fall on your bum or on your feet squared into the mat. Never ever try to stop or fall with your hands or arms, as this is very prone to injury.

I had one slightly bad fall where the impact was at my elbow, and it took almost three months to be fully healed, but no broken bones at least. I rested for two weeks before I went into another climbing session.

2. Use your legs!

Instead of pulling with your arms up, use your legs to push yourself up. (In most cases, this is very applicable.) I've seen this with my friends who tried bouldering the first time, which I most likely did on my first time too. Our first instinct is to almost always use our arms, but those leg muscles are definitely stronger than our arms.

3. Believe it or not, there is so much power on your toes.

As little (or ugly) as they may look, toes play a vital part on almost all of climbing movements, especially on clinging to those tiny baby footholds. This offers more flexibility to pivot on to the next move, and standing on the tip of your toes adds to that overall reach. When I eventually did this, I was amazed by how much difference it made.

4. Straighten those arms while climbing.

Again, in most bouldering problems, this is applicable. Avoid bending your arms when not necessary as it will make you tired much faster. The tendency when climbing with bent arms is the forearms are getting engaged, hence using much more of our energy. This will also allow to put that ~~booty~~ body weight into the legs and upper body.

5. Read the route, and analyze it.

This is the part where I still have a very hard time doing so. Before climbing, take at least a brief moment to read the climbing route, on where to put the arms and legs next, wether should you use your left or right. Doing this will save your energy, and not scrambling on what to do next while on the wall.

6. Climb down the holds.

Once you reach the top, instead of jumping off the wall, down climb (if there are enough holds to do so). I learnt this very recently. You don't have to follow the same route while down climbing, any footholds on the wall will do. This will allow you to watch your footwork, and decrease risk of injuries from jumping.

(And to be frank, too much jumping off the wall can strain your body too.)

7. Take that breather in between.

Catch your breath. Drink water if necessary. Talk to other climbers. Pace yourself in between your climbing attempts. Don't hop onto the next one without any rest in between. Otherwise, you'll get exhausted much faster. And pretty sure, your muscles will end up very fatigue towards the end of the session.

But of course, don't be like me who rests too much and eventually gets lazy. :)

8. Watch how other people climb.

While taking your rest, watch how other climbers climb. Watch their footwork, their techniques. Study how they climb. And try to copy them, if you can. :)

The good ones will make difficult routes look effortless, but they're probably climbing for years. It will take time, don't get too intimidated. (Something I always tell myself every start of the session.)

9. Have fun!

And most importantly, don't forget to have fun! Bouldering is a social sport. In a 3-hour session, you'd probably spend more than half of the time on the floor than on the wall. It is merely a competition, everyone's on the same team trying to solve those bouldering problems, so just have fun and don't get too frustrated.

Personally, whenever I watch someone climbing and notice how that person is having a hard time, I would cheer that person up even if I don't know him/her.

One of the most common phrases you'll hear in a lot of climbing gyms is "Allez, allez!" It is a form of encouragement used especially when the climber is at the climax of the route. It is actually a French word meaning "Go, go!"

So, allez, allez!

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August, 2020. Lazarus Island, Singapore.

2020.. Here goes nothing.

I am grateful; still grateful that 2020 happened. It was a totally different year for me, like to almost everyone else, despite all that has happened around the world, despite the pandemic. I didn't want to admit this, I felt selfish. Maybe that's why I abandoned this blog this year, I was happy and I felt guilty about it. But as what Max has told me, we all have to play whatever balls or cards we have in our hands.

In all honesty, I didn't know how to go about writing this year-end post. But I have to; to at least keep a journal of this year's highlights (if there are any) and to keep up with my yearly so-called reflective posts. Hopefully, I can yield the right words to relive what 2020 has been, the last year of being on my 20s.

Before the outbreak of COVID, I ventured into a solo travel to Seoul, South Korea, probably one of the wisest decision I made this year. It was only a short trip, but one that has made me do quite a few first times like climbing a mountain alone (Ahhh, I can still remember the joy it brought me when I reached the top) and hanging out with total strangers. I sometimes wonder where I get all my courage from, how something exceedingly daunting to someone can be quite an easy task for me. I hope I don't get to lose all this as I grow old.

I also got to travel with my friends to Phuket — a trip, mostly spent eating, sleeping, and drinking. We spent a day at the beach only to sleep, because we were too hangover and sleep deprived from last night's partying. AHHH, good days.

And then COVID unfolded and drastically changed the norm. Plans were cancelled. People had to stay at home. Borders got closed. People lost their jobs. As I look back, I wonder where all the time went?

2020 was indeed a year like no other. But I like to believe I managed to find silver linings amid the depressing skies it offered. Learning quite a few sports like bouldering, longboarding, boxing. Exploring Singapore more, finding respite in what this Little Red Dot City has to offer. Making knot crafts (Macrame), was the biggest revelation to me.

To build a life I don't want to regularly escape from, this was my goal this year. And hopefully I am, slowly, eventually, progressively.

Max is undoubtedly the biggest aspect of my 2020. I would not go into details how he and I got together, but we actually met towards the end of 2019. He was supposed to leave Singapore permanently, but due to COVID, plans had to be changed. We spent the circuit breaker together doing all sorts of things to keep ourselves sane like working out, baking, planting, cooking, crafting, among other things. I even jokingly coined our story, "Love In The Time of Corona". But kidding aside, he was my 2020 plot twist - an unexpected, highly unanticipated development of the past year. Thanks to him I survived 2020, perhaps scrambling, but still wholly and thriving.

This year has been the longest I've been away from my family. From going home every 2 or 3 months to entirely not been home for more than a year. It was difficult. I watched my niece and nephew grew taller only through screens, I watched my Mom and Lola grow older virtually. I miss them, terribly. But in this kind of pressing times, all I hope for is their safety and healthy well being.

Whilst all that sounds good and befitting, I still, sometimes, drown in my own unfathomable and anxious self. Laying out the worst scenarios that can happen in my head, crying in the middle of watching or reading something, staying up until 3 or 4am because sleep is just so elusive, overthinking things... but everything has got better. One thing that I have learned these past few years is that no one can help you the most but you, yourself alone. I allow myself to be anxious, but I also disallow myself to be submerged too much.

Last year I wrote Au Revoir 2019 which actually means, goodbye, until we meet again (I didn't know this when I wrote that post). But now I am saying, Adieu 2020. To God, 2020. Farewell. You were a year to remember, whether we like it or not. I am thankful that no one in my family or friends contracted the virus. A lot has not been so lucky.

As we continue to 2021, piercing into a world that remains uncertain and perilous, I hope we still get to see those blue skies and green pastures. As what my favourite poem's closing words say:

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

There is something waiting for you. So turn the page into 2021, and let's all hope for a better year.

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And oh, one last thing, I hope everyone gets to believe that what we do to our environment, ultimately we do to ourselves. Our planet doesn't need us. Earth would be better off without us. And for humans to survive, we require a healthy planet. I hope we can learn from this pandemic and seize the opportunity to reflect on our actions and impact to the environment.

Et voila. C'est fini.