not knowing is part of growing

Waaaaay back 2017. LOL

Frankly speaking, I don't know how, where or when to start this post. On my to-do list, I put "draft new beginnings blog", hence, here I am, trying to summarize the last two-three weeks.

Last 12th April, I received an unexpected call from a consulting firm about the interview I had almost a month ago (the interview happened last 21st March). He said I did well on the interview and that the project team wants me on-board. I honestly think I didn't do well, or maybe just as what Max said, I'm underestimating myself. After that 50-second call, I didn't know how to feel. I was skeptic. Is this for real? Is my long search finally over? Am I to be free from the shackles I had for six years? Are the depressing thoughts and sleepless nights because of countless interviews coming to an end? It was 25th April when I submitted my resignation. And I bet it didn't come as a surprise to my colleagues, since my manager and Cindy already left ahead of me.

Leaving a job that you had for six years is not entirely easy, most especially during this unprecedented time. It was anxiety-inducing, let alone scary and risky. I thought it would be an easy drop-the-mic exit. Before my last day, I didn't want to tell anyone which bank am I going to. It was mostly because of my skepticism. My tenure at UOB is a, I, must say, a bittersweet journey, filled with so many learnings, experiences and stressful days.

On my last day, it took me ten minutes to finally shut down my laptop, waiting for probably some replies to my farewell e-mail. This pandemic has taken away my chance to conclude a proper good-bye to my colleagues, and that's what makes me sad the most. It was a good six years, but it was time to go. Honestly, it was relief that I felt mostly. I wrote below posts one and a half year ago when my mental health had been greatly being affected by my work. I'm not putting the entire blame into my job, but it is a huge factor. And now, by grace, I hope I would not find myself in the same situation again.

I had countless selfies at the building's elevators (I even made a video slideshow of it, lol). Be it on a normal day going to other floors to discuss with other teams, going out for a tea break at 5pm (or an occasional cigarette break on stressful days), or going to the office on weekends with my unwashed hair, wearing my most comfortable clothes, or during the wee hours of the morning, almost crying, sleepy and exhausted, or mostly just taking my OOTD.

Yesterday was my first day at my new job. I was nervous of course, but I guess that's normal.

Not knowing is part of growing.

This is what I kept on telling myself yesterday. I left my comfort zone at UOB, and allowed myself in an unknown space or situation. Sometime last month, I remembered reading a line that says when you don't know what you are doing, then it's a sign that you are growing. Hence, you must put an effort into learning and viewing these new challenges as opportunities.

I know it is still a long way to go. But, je vois la vie en rose. I am an optimist.