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summer 2023, hyéres



In a true Lorraine fashion way, I am making my 2023 year-end post almost three weeks into January. I am still in Batangas, still in sort of a vacation mode.

How do I sum it up? 2023 was a year of gains and losses, a year of good news and bad news. I want to let my vulnerability out, so here it goes.

The year started off as a bit nostalgic. I finished my French language studies at UCLY - had my final exams, said goodbye to my international friends and classmates, the teachers, and to me being a student. At that moment, it felt surreal. I finally have my advanced intermediate certificate in French language, but then where do I go from there?

I was in a limbo for the first quarter of the year with nothing to do. I was not a student nor a resident. My student visa expired and I still didn’t have a resident visa. I tried looking for part time jobs, but didn’t had any luck with the applications. Working at Restos du Coeur as a volunteer became my part time job then. It was tiring — standing for full 5 hours straight and lifting things, but also fulfilling.

Come April, Max and I went to Italy for two weeks. We traveled from Lyon to Florence by bus, took trains to Rome, Cinque Terre and Milan. If anyone asks me, what’s my favorite country I have been to (of course apart from France), I would say, without any doubts, Italy. We’ve been to Venice before, but this trip showed us more how beautiful Italy is - in terms of culture, architecture and food.

But all good things must come to an end, they say. 26th of April, 2 days before we go back to France. We were at Lake Como when we received the dreadful news. Max’s dad was in the hospital and in a bad state. Max had to fly back immediately to France. I couldn’t bring myself on telling him that he was going to be okay, because i think we both somehow knew that he would not. Looking back, I think my biggest regret was not suggesting on canceling our Italy trip. We could have stayed back in Hyères, he could have spend more time with his dad.

We had his last hug at the same time. We were leaving for Lyon that day, 3 weeks before he died. I can still remember that one second tight hug. At that moment, it felt like the last time, but I didn’t want to admit it to myself. I whispered to him “courage, courage”. Those were my last words to him, and I’m not even sure if he heard me right. He probably didn’t know how much he had touched my heart in many ways than one. He’s the kind of Dad I never had. I wished I had a Dad like him. He’s like my Papa in some ways, so much ego and always has to be right. But Henri was faithful. He was loving, kind and generous. Even though our time spent was brief, I’m grateful I had the opportunity to get to know him.

The next few months were spent trying to cope up with a crushing grief. Max and his mom busied themselves with a lot of administrative staff whilst mine was followed by tons of job applications, interviews and rejections. Yes, I finally received my resident visa this year. Seizing the opportunity, we also did a few summer road trips in the south. From camping to staying at AirBnBs, hiking with beautiful views, taking us into rolling green and chocolate-like hills, caves, lakes and rivers, sunsets and sunrises, those were good days. I know, it sounds contradicting. But I guess, people has different ways of coping. We stayed in the south for more than two months before we finally started going back to work again mid-July.

After 1.5 years out of work, I was finally back into the corporate life. I learnt how to appreciate European way of working — no overtime, clear boundary between personal and corporate life. In all honesty, I was glad to be back working.

Around the last quarter of the year, we started looking for a new home. Our free time were spent searching and filtering for announcements, visiting flats, then revisiting them. It was a tedious job (mostly for Max of course). But we’re happy to finally found a new place that I’m excited to turn into our new home.

Before the year ended, I went back home to the Philippines and Max followed a week after. At last, my family and friends got to meet him. The names on my stories I used to tell him finally have faces on his head. He was able to practice tagalog. It’s heartwarming, and I’m glad. One of my bestfriends also got married before the year ended, and it was such a lovely occasion.

*****

2023 was absolutely an eventful and challenging year. The months were not easy, but I am further than I am before. Now, that is progress as little as it may sound. It isn’t my favorite year, but still a year to be thankful for.

2024 will be so much better than 2023 and I am claiming it.

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Sunset at Lake Como. 26 april 2023


I've been pondering about the phrase Max's mom said "he lived a life far from superficial". Since then, it never left my mind. I started questioning myself, "Am I living a superficial life?", "Am I touching the world in a profound manner?", "Am I being touched by the  world in a profound manner?", "Is it me being aware of how superficial my life has been?"

So I did what I thought would help me figure this out, I gave up Instagram. It's been almost two months now (Wow, as if anyone noticed at all). Because in all honesty, it's all what I see in social media these days, "superficiality." People caring more about how they look than their character. Shallow and materialistic people, feeling like the world revolve around them. Or am I just being too negative here? I guess, of course, there are ways to curate our social media experiences. I'll maybe get into that in weeks time.

I have this irking fear of going back into work. What if I fail? What if they find out that I'm just an impostor? I have so many what ifs. Since I move to France, my life has been filled with a lot of challenges, so what is another challenge to face, right? I guess by writing this, it's me trying to encourage myself. And also, I guess, this is me proving I'm not living a life of superficiality.

Just an after thought, totally not related, lol. Don't you realize there's a million universe out there in the form of books waiting for us to get lost into? Those universes made by another person's mind. It's just simply amazing, to feel like escaping into that universe, to feel like being the main character. I could spend hours leaving my physical human form and letting my mind be devoured, escaping my reality. I wish I'd have that ability, ability to create my own universe.

And another after thought, how do we get away from staying at the periphery of life? How do we get deeper? But then, why bother? It seems easier to stay in the surface anyway. Maybe I'm a superficial person, just pretending to be deep. Or maybe life is just as superficial as how we make it.

*****

Anyway, that phrase was a part of Max's mom eulogy for his dad. I hope I get to read this post years from now, and tell myself, "Good job! I also lived my life far from superficial."
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Fourviere

Today marks my one year since I moved to France. I remember the day I left the Philippines. I hurried going into the airport because I didn't want to cry. But yet, I cried. It always has been difficult to leave my family behind.

Nevertheless, the past one year has been an incredible journey so far. The first few months were challenging, of course, as I adjusted into the new environment and worked on my French skills. It was a journey of self-rediscovery. Like a bird leaving its nest, I flew across the world to be with Max — learn a new language, immerse myself in a culture so rich and diverse. Whenever someone asks me why I moved to France, I almost always jokingly say,"Par amour". In part, of course, that is true. But a part of the reason is, I wanted to live in a new country, in a new land. 

So I left behind the comfort of my familiar surroundings, the security of my job, and above all, the ease of speaking my native language, to pursue a dream that had been buried deep within me for years.

24 march 2021

In France, I found myself constantly being challenged. French was indeed a difficult language to learn. It's like a labyrinth that I navigated, and still very much in the thick of it. Yet, as I struggle to grasp its nuances, I was met by the warmth and beauty of the country. It was a comfort to my soul — from the quaint little streets and beautiful architectures in the city to the charming villages in the countryside. There was always something new to discover. And, of course, the French cuisine. In France, food is sacred. It is a way of living. 

Yet, amidst all these, there are undoubtedly moments of homesickness that creep up. The memories of family and friends, the taste and scents of home, they linger like a song that refuses to fade. If there's one thing that really helped, it was cooking at home and trying out new recipes. It's calming and fulfilling. But in the end, it was those moments that strengthen the ties to one's heritage, and make the experience of living in this country all the more rich. 

Sometimes, I will look into the Saone or Rhone and still can't believe that I get to call this beautiful city my home. The past year was a blend of familiar memories and unfamiliar sights, of longing that past but embracing the present. It's a journey of embracing new roots whilst still holding onto the old. 
Here I am today, a year old in France, like a blossom in a foreign garden, dancing between two cultures, basking the warmth of a new home and cherishing the memories of an old one. 

I am grateful for the year that has been.
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The more I pressure myself into writing a sensational year-end post, the more I arrive with nothing. Because that is what 2022 is/was — sensational.

As I look back to 2022 in an apparent slow motion, my most significant takeaway is the importance of living for oneself. 2022 is a year of transformation and execution. It's a year of building a life I don't want to to regularly escape from. I am still very much in the thick of it.

I started a new life in an unfamiliar soil with a completely different language, culture, without friends nor family, nor a job. Jobless at 31, I went back to university to study a new language. But at the same time, I was everywhere — meeting new people, seeing the world, collecting memories, experiencing diversity, having adventures, traveling to places I never thought I would, enjoying the joy and serenity of far niente.

As fitting as it may seem, it's not a romantic story of an Asian girl who found her way in one of the most dreamed-about country in the world. This year was a story of a woman who finally accepted a new challenge and then took it by the throat. It's a story of a woman who was brave and afraid at the same time — who had the right kind of curiosity to leave her comfort zone, the right kind of tenacity to face loneliness and live with it, and the right kind of courage to go after her goals even if it means leaving everything behind. But I also would like to think that I'm a lucky woman, with Max being always by my side.

French people like to say the phrase "On est bien la", which means "We are good here." Being able to find contentment in nearly everything, not fixating on the future, on what will come next. From the most messed up times to plain jane days, I try to find bliss in what we have. Preparing food, taking care of my plants, reading books, ending the day on the couch drinking tea, reading a book, or talking about the day that has been. I am grateful for this life, for this year. I still worry about the future, but I try not to dwell on it. 2022 let me open a new perspective on life.

I hope 2023 will be another year of discoveries, of taking more risks. I hope to come back and report a year of living as my authentic self, more accepting and less apologetic. Letting go, more forgiving. 

Happy New Year, self. Cheers to making it to 2023. 🥂








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After three weeks of "back to school", we are on vacation again. Yay or nay? 

Franchement? Je pense que, a ce moment-la, c'est pas tellement necessaire. Mais oui, c'est les vacances de la Touissant. Une semaine pour rien à faire :)

If there is one good thing that growing old has thought me, it is learning how to enjoy my time of being alone, my solitude. I learnt how to say "No, I cannot go out today." Not because I have somewhere else to be, or something else to do, but because I don't have the emotional or mental capacity to socialize, or to go out. I enjoy my time staying at home, listening to music while drinking my tea. I enjoy preparing my own food, and feeding myself. I enjoy doing yoga, even just for 20 minutes. I enjoy having apero by myself, a glass of kir in one hand, and a small plate of charcuterie. I enjoy reading, or watching a movie alone. I enjoy the little things. Busying myself with my plants, some house chores, writing, journaling,.. I appreciate the silence, the serenity, the slowness of time.

Savourer le silence, la sérénité. Parfois, c'est le silence qui parle. Etre dans la joie, meme toute seule. 

May people learn to normalise these. May people learn the power of saying "No". 

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We went back to Hyères after staying for only 3 days in Lyon. It was necessary for Max to stay with his parents. And those days were filled with sports and just chilling at home. 

The PACA region has really so much to offer. We visited another commune located 25 minutes from Hyères by car called Belgentier. We wandered around the small village. There's really something about old buildings and houses that makes it feel rustic and artsy. Here are some photos I took:

photo 1
 
 
 


We also did a small hike/walk of around 8km. The weather was very cooperative that day, perfect for a day out. 

 

 

Out of the 6 days I spent in Hyères, we went to L'Appart Fitness (gym) three times. What an achievement for my lazy butt! We tried a session of Circuit Training which I liked a lot, and then the usual Body Pump session. I think I've already given up on the idea of exercising to lose weight. Losing weight requires a diet, and I certainly don't have the discipline for that. So I guess I'm reframing my mindset into — "I'm exercising so that I can eat whatever I want." Not exactly whatever I want, really. I still watch what I eat thought, just not as strictly as someone in a diet.

With Max's mom, we visited "Le Gapeau" — a small coastal river with man-made waterfalls. I thought at first that we will do another hike, but we only walked less than 1km to reach the waterfall. It was a pleasure walk instead, along the vineyard with the autumn sun.



I then went back to Lyon after almost 6 days. And I went back alone, 'cause my 2nd second semester of classes was starting. It was the first time I took the train all by myself, and I should say it was quite fulfilling. 

So yeah, I spent a week in Lyon without Max. Again, quite fulfilling. 

Now let me talk about my 1st week of classes. I received my schedule 2 days before the classes start, and to my disappointment, it starts at 8:00am in the morning. And I should mention, I was late on the first day. Hehehe 

So the next day after, I set four alarms on my phone— first is for waking up at 6:40am, second at 6:55am to remind me to finish breakfast, third at 7:10am reminding me to finish my make up, and lastly is at 7:20am telling me that I should go soon. In addition, there's Alexa telling me at 7:22am "Depeche toi Lorraine! Tu vas être en retard!" Needless to say, I always arrive on time. Lol

Réunion de rentrée à l'amphithéâtre


Impression of being back? Honestly, I'm quite delighted to be doing something again, to be back on learning. It's quite pleasing to see familiar faces too, and to meet new ones of course. It feels like the administration was more welcoming comparing my last semester. We even had a "Réunion de rentrée" where all the ILCF students were gathered in the amphitheater. 

I was assigned in an intermediate class. Since I already had a B1+ university diploma, the goal of the group is B2. We discussed about Lyon's history, culture and a painting of Monet. Surprisingly, we have a "cours magistral" where we'll discuss culture, politics, economics with the goal of being able to talk about it in french. It's a refreshing shift from the prior semester, probably because I'm already in an advanced group.

Anyway, this week's highlight for me was the discussion about different adjectives and their antonyms. It really piqued my interest because I do enjoy writing, and my favorite resource is the thesaurus. Lol I hope someday I would be able to write in French fluently, without the help of a Google translate. 

By Thursday, my professor asked me, to my surprise, if I wanted to change into an advance group. Because apparently, I already have a good level of French. Frankly, I wasn't considering it. But I do have the cognisance that the class was "not easy, but not difficult enough", it was just...average. She advised me to give it real thought. According to her, since I live with a French man I have the advantage of progressing faster not like the other students. 

Jardin Place Carnot, 13 oct 2022, 07:50


And so I questioned myself, should I stay in a group where I know I'll be at the top or should I go to another group where I will most likely be at the bottom? Should I step out of my comfort zone? Frankly, the answer was simple. Choose improvement, accept the challenge. Hence, I requested to be transferred. 

I choose to keep on adding to my toolbox. I choose to make more mistakes, and learn from them. And yes, truthfully, admittedly, I am terrified.

So yeah, that's the tea for the past two weeks. Ciao!
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Le train vient d'arriver sur la voie de Marseille. Pour la premiere fois, je rentre à Lyon depuis Hyères seule. Pour une fois, je n'ai pas peur d'être seul. Je sais que je peut y arriver. 

J'ai déjà fait certains voyages solitaires en Asie. Mais encore, c'est la premiere fois d'être seul en France. Je n'ai pas peur.

En poussant ma valise sur le quai, la sensation des voyages solitaires me manque soudain. Le sentiment d'être en endroit peu familière. Le sentiment d'entendre une langue inconnu. Le sentiment d'être enchanté en explorant une nouvelle ville, une nouveau culture. L'impression d'être terriblement seul, mais ravie et contente, en meme temps.

Je n'ai pas peur des souvenirs qui reviennent, des souvenirs qui me manque, 

Assise sur mon siege, je regardais l'horizon. Le ciel est gris, nuageux, à l'air sombre. Les forets et les champs sont toujours verts, luxuriants sous les ciels d'autumn. Le coucher du soleil est arrivé. Les petites touches de jaunes et oranges ont rendue le ciel plus attrayant. 

Lorsque j'arriverai à Lyon, ce sera le nuit avec les lumières, les bruits, et les flous de la ville.

Je n'ai pas peur de l'inconnu. Je n'ai pas peur d'avoir peur. Je n'ai pas peur. 

Mais j'ai pas peur d'oublier de ce moment, de ce sentiment - le plus vivante, le plus conscient de moi-même et de mon environnement. 

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