Writing this in the comfort of my house, sipping green tea, all while listening to my latest record of Bruce (a Christmas gift from a friend may I say). I've been down with fever the past two days, and I woke up this morning because of the noise from my upstairs neighbours, I got barely 3 hours of sleep. I'm feeling better now, though.

Here we go again. 2019, what can I say.



I've said on my previous post, this year is gonna be another make or break. And it definitely was, I made it alright. Survived, and thrived.

The start of my 2019 was an amalgam of highs and lows. It was probably my lowest point this year. An excruciating heartbreak that I did not imagine to feel again. I succumbed into it, and hated myself for digging up that hole. My mask got thicker. It was probably the reason why I was an emotional wreck during my high school best friend's wedding. I was extremely happy for her, but maybe my emotions were heightened because of my indignant, unnecessary heartbreak. I cannot exactly remember at which point did I realised that I had to get out of it. In any way, the trip to getting better and picking myself up was always never easy. Thank God I am surrounded with great people. Nevertheless, attending three of my closest friends' weddings this year was definitely highlights of my 2019. Even if happiness was not meant for me, at least the people I love and care are happy, and I would be content with that.

My birthday this year was probably the first in my 28 years that I did not want any sort of celebration. I had this mindset that birthdays always have to be special, because we only have 1 out of 365 days in a year that we can call our own. But for the first time, I felt I did not have to be special because it's my birthday. Gratefulness—that was what I felt during that week. Thankful for the life I have, and even though I had to work that day (it was a Sunday by the way), my soul was exceedingly joyful. Being grateful is probably one of the most potent, powerful human emotion we can feel. It gives a brighter perspective and outlook in life.

When I was still a student until my early 20s, I have never considered myself as a sporty person. Maybe I'm still not until now. I did not like getting dirty, and sweaty. But as I grow older, I learnt how the outdoors can affect someone's life so much. I ran my first 10k this year, and joined Spartan Super. Those were definitely achievements for me. (Joining Spartan, and actually finishing it was actually a goal I set for myself for 2019.) Exercising has always been a therapy for me. Most people do it for the body they want (no hate here), but for me, I do it 50% for physical health and 50% for my mental health. Being physically healthy, and fit, I believe, should be the goal.

Despite all these self-care, I guess I was still not prepared for what life has thrown at me. I still had my downs this year. Crying because of too much exhaustion from work, not knowing how to take a rest, an overwhelming feeling of wanting to end all this, the injustices happening all around me, the transition from being alone to lonely and miserable. Who has a perfect life anyway. But then again, no matter how we go about on our own little worlds, the world will not stop for us. Life is a constant decision we have to make, and you have to choose nicely which one to give your fuck about (yes, this is from one of my favorite books). 

We are all accountable to whatever we feel, to how we react to the outside stimuli. Someone may have broken your heart, but it was not his/her responsibility for you to move on from it. This is what I have been reminding myself lately, to be proactive rather than reactive. To try to be the bigger person; for every action, there's an opposite and equal reaction.

My friends asked what my goal for 2020 would be, I certainly had a few in mind, but then I realised it should be this:

"Building a life I don't want to regularly escape from."

I know it will be a long journey getting there. But I guess, I'm tired of getting big slaps from the universe.

*****

Au revoir 2019. You may not be my favorite year, but I will look back to you with a grateful heart. Again, one giant step each day.