gusto ko nang umuwi, yung wala nang balikan

An overwhelming feeling of wanting to die had enveloped me that night, right after I finished my first stick of the week. My colleague was asking something about work, I knew the answer, but I didn't know how to respond. I was out of focus. The surroundings started to get blurry, the people around me were all glued to their phones, but it seems like they have no faces. Somehow, I slept well that night.


This has been a constant recurrence the past few days, or perhaps weeks. My mind had a rebellious visitor. It does not ask what am I doing, who am I with, or where am I exactly. It would not even mind if I am surrounded by the people I love, or if I'm in public, crowded places. It just snatches my mind from everything, in a sudden, no excuse whatever circumstances. An impending doom, and sometimes, the unavoidable feeling of succumbing into it. But I did not want to. It has to stop. I have to stop.

I decided to took a day off at work, and revisit a few things I loved doing. I disconnected from all my social media accounts and messaging apps. Maybe I have to reset my mind, I thought. Maybe I'm just stress.



Mornings. It has a certain humbling, and reassuring feeling. The earth is a little older, I am a little older. I have always loved the vibes of this neighbourhood, quiet and still. Then there are running trails nearby that I always frequent to, whenever I need my running therapy outside.


Yoga has been my go to exercise (aside from a quick run outside). The many benefits of yoga is no secret to many, and I can definitely attest to that. As little as settling into child's pose is already calming, and relaxing. I have suffered from irregular insomnia, and practicing yoga had helped me get better sleep. Maybe it would also help me say no to my visitor.

It was a hot yoga class at 10 in the morning, so we were only 6 attendees. The music during the class was not the usual yoga playlist, but a bit of a jazzy type; hence I loved it. Imagine sweating profusely, doing downward dogs and warriors, all while listening to jazzy songs. So I made a mental note to attend a class with the same instructor.


Did you know that Tiong Bahru was considered as the 'hippest' neighbourhood in SG? I once did a photowalk here with a friend. I should probably write about that.



After my yoga class, I spent almost an hour at Books Actually. Lately, I have been into the idea of minimalism. I wanted to own less things, I wanted to minimise my life. But my latest dilemma was not being able to let go my physical books. So I created a rule: "I would only buy a book that I could actually re-read, that I would consider a good book. If I did not like it, I would sell it." As for my old books gathering dust in my shelf, I listed a few in Carousell, those that is not worth a second read.


Here's a secret—I have a desire to buy more books that I can ever read. It's so universal that there's a Japanese word for it, "Tsundoku". I only have few un-read books lying in my shelf, so my desire is not yet probably severe. But that day, I was not able to resist. I bought the classic Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf.


How about the idea of a blind date with a mystery book? Books Actually has this book vending machine where each book is wrapped in a repurposed piece of paper, all priced for 10$ each. I badly wanted to try it, but the machine does not accept 50$ bill, so I just dismissed the idea. Maybe next time.


Walking, for me, is therapeutic, as much as how running is. This park reminded me of how I did not want to end the night after a Saturday little dinner. I asked him to walk with me around the area with the hazy, moonlight right behind us and head to this little suburban park. There were noisy kids horsing around. As we walk towards the park, I saw a couple suddenly un-occupying a swing set, then I run into it like a child who saw her favourite candy, afraid of being left out. I remember him laughing at me, like he was saying "what a silly girl". We sat across each other, and talked for hours. We talked until it was time to leave. We talked until it was the last trip of the bus. And that was the last time we saw each other.

I spent the rest of the afternoon watching Atypical, a Netflix series about a teenager with autism. It's a heartwarming, comedy show that I would definitely consider as one of the best shows in Netflix.

At around 7:30 in the evening, I attended a one hour Calisthenics class, and reconnected with a few people I know from the gym. And I slept well that night.

By the end of the day, I've somehow forgotten why I did not go to work. I guess my single deliberate attempt to refuse the visitor, and recharge my serotonin for a day was a success.

For what it's worth, I needed a win, and that day was a win.