A Year End // Come Back Note

Two weeks into the new year, and here I am, trying to remember whatever 2018 has thrown at me. I just came back from a week long vacation, a well-spent one I must say. And so I have always been late to what people would call "reflective-year-end-posts".

Late last year, I ghosted this blog even though I made a pact to myself that I would publish at least three posts per month (which I proudly achieved last 2017). I went into a full slack mode. Mainly because I felt that my privacy has somehow been invaded, I thought I was sharing too much. But maybe that's just my lame excuse. I stopped, because I don't have anything to talk about.

Here I am now, new year, new post. Well, let's see how I can do this without being my overly dramatic, indulgent self.

Adulting to adulthood.

Years ago, on one of my early blog posts, I asked myself, "When does adulting turns into adulthood?" Honestly, I still don't know the answer. But I can proudly say that I have achieved a few things that my younger self had only dreamt. Our house is finally finished, after working my ass off for seven years. Because of this, I had less trips this year, but I still was grateful for going places last year.

Patience, my darling.

2018 taught me how to extend my patience, not only to myself, but towards the people around me. There are a lot of things that are out of our control. I used to be easily get affected and annoyed by the outside stimuli, but I learnt that we choose how to respond to things. It's easier said than done, knowing how intense I could be. But, I am trying.

And one more thing, kindness goes a long way.

Self-care is not selfish.

For three months or so, as inspired by a few friends, I tried to be vegan. But there were so many constraints that I had to ditch the idea, and rather eat less meat, eat healthier. I did more yoga and meditation. I learnt to love jogging. It's funny how in the middle of a run when I feel exhausted and my legs are about to give up, I would ask myself, "Bakit ko ba ginagawa sa sarili ko 'to?". And yet, I still keep on doing it, craving for the headspace that jogging can give.

Music to the brain.

As much as it is to the heart, much more so to the brain. Music, like for almost everyone else, has been a life-saver to me.

On my 27th, in my mission to keep on adding to my personal toolbox, I gifted myself an acoustic guitar, something that I have always dreamt of owning. My fascination and admiration towards artists inspired me to finally get one for myself. Then last Christmas, I finally gave in to my lifelong aspiration of starting my personal vinyl collection. I bought a turntable, spent hours crate digging and music store hopping, looking for vinyl records to buy. There's probably no practical reason behind this on this day and age, but I had to feed my old soul. The simple act of opening a new album, getting the record out of its sleeve, and putting it on the turntable brings me joy. Even the sound of the needle when it first hits the record, is actually pleasing. Hopefully this year, I get to fill my box with more records.

Fake it 'till you make it. It will pass.

I went through a dark phase this year. I was stuck in a labyrinth, not knowing how to find my way out. For a time, every day was a drag, tucked in the highs and lows of life, between the knowing and not knowing. So I did what I know best, faking it and trying to tell myself that there's a pot of gold at the end of all this. Thankful to all the people who helped me see the flicker of hope. It was messy, but I am still a work in progress. Hopefully, eventually.

At a standstill.

I have this twisted thinking that I have a jinx whenever I write about people around me. That the moment I divulge my thoughts into words, it will be the end of the story; it will be another memory that will slowly fade like dying embers in a cold, harsh night. That maybe it's the reason why heartbreaks after heartbreaks, and failures after failures (not necessarily romantic relationships per se) happen to me. Though it's the best way I know to remember people, I try hard as I may to stop my guts from immortalising (or maybe romanticise?) people through my writings. I am so close to memorising goodbyes year after year. Maybe it's time to care less.

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2018 was a fusion of all sorts. And for that, I am grateful. It's going to be another year of make or break. I know we'll make it alright. Here's to actually doing, more than just dreaming; to appreciating endings because it also means new beginnings. One giant step each day.

Bring it on universe.

PS:
Look for Raine is perhaps no longer the proper name for this blog. But I cannot think of any. For now, let me welcome myself back.